Ainchase "Ain" Ishmael (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
eidxiety) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
sticksandbones2025-12-04 06:33 pm
eidxiety) wrote in sticksandbones2025-12-04 06:33 pm
Entry tags:
[netbook] shitty newspaper advice column
[The person writing this does not state their name, but Ain's curly and cute handwriting is like... really fucking obvious, so he's clearly not trying to HIDE this for sure.]
Many people have come to me over the years for advice. [No one has done this.] And through my powers of observation, I have realised that many of you need more advice on things. Luckily, I love anonymity and not outing people's problems, so I've compiled tailored advice for those who need it in a safe and completely anonymous format! :O
Birthdays!!!
This is the most important thing, so this goes first. Elsword's birthday is on the 28th and I know we all can't tell time here, but it's SOON, and you all have to be nice to him on his birthday and congratulate him on being 19 and being very very cute, or I'll put cat food in your shoes. Oh, and my birthday is on the 15th and I will be 507 years old ^^
[If there was any doubts as to who this is... there shouldn't be anymore! also @ elsword sorry he forgot he hasn't told you he's an angel yet]
Advice!!!!!
From: Mr. and Ms. Dead People
Dear Advice Notebook:
We are dead where we come from. This is not the fault of the Forest, who does not count in this instance because he cheats and sucks really bad, but is because we died back home before coming here. We would really like to go back home though, because we love our home and want to see it thrive. Assuming a way home ever opens, what is your advice on how we should go about going home?
Thank you very much and you are extremely cool and pretty.
Wow! My advice to you is don't go home and stay here where you're alive, because dying sucks and how are you supposed to appreciate your world if you're deceased?? You can't. Skill issue if you want to go back home to continue to be dead after this warning. :O
From: Mr. and Ms. Timeline Anomalies
Dear Advice Genie:
The timelines have affected us. We are not where we are supposed to be.
I don't even know what to say about this other than get better timelines :O! Have you tried not playing jump rope with the concept of space and time and infinity and like black holes and stuff?? Please do not do this again.
From: Many Many Many Mr. Bad Word For Sarkazes
Hello Advice Person:
Some of us were born this way and we are discriminated against. Some of us were humans who were turned into the bad word for Sarkaz. We are very sad because we want to be loved. What do we do?
Do not worry. It's not your fault you were born or turned into that I think?? God still loves you. Not my God because she sucks and is mean but I mean the Goddesses here. And probably not your gods either now that I think about it, if you are having this issue :O! But that's okay because you can just kill them.
From: Mr. Loverboys and Ms. Lovergirls
Dear Romantic Advice Notebook:
How do I get my love interest to notice me? I would like to "get it", as the kids say.
I have a lot of advice for you, as someone who knows a lot about love! My disclaimer is that I do not like girls romantically so this will be based on how I've observed lesbians for the past five years of my life. I know many lesbians.
1. If you like women, women I think like flowers, long walks on the beach, having nails that can cut someone to ribbon, swords of the sword variety and not of the innuendo variety but they might like those too idk, being called pretty, and not having to do everything themselves. If you are a man and you make your wife do everything for you I hope you die painfully and slowly :O Anyway, the point is that you must treat women like they are pretty and delicate flowers but also acknowledge that they will kill you and many of them are secretly armed. You should fear them. And you should give them the things they like (above) as a courtship offering, like how birds do.
2. If you like men, men like swords of the sword variety we've gone over this part, shoving each other into lockers and walls and stuff, guns, violence in general, camping, outside, and feeling like they have a sense of belonging and that they're wanted. Did you know if you compliment boys they get very flustered? This is because boys are not used to receiving compliments because they are taught to suppress their emotions. Please allow boys room to let their emotions out. When you give boys all of this, they will like you. Also, you must not fear this creature, the boy, because that gives them too much power.
3. If you like people who are a secret third or fourth thing, give them all your material possessions and follow fire code.
With all of these in mind, and keeping in mind these are generalizations, there is a fourth thing I can do for you. I can make you lingerie so you can impress your love interest or existing partner. This, however, costs shells and I will not make this for anyone under 18. You'll also have to be very cool with me taking measurements of your butt.
From: Ms. Cat
Meow meow meow, meow. Meow meow meow meow meow. Mrrawwrrr... Meoww! Mew :3
Meow! Meow meow, mrrrrr, mrrrp! Meow meow :3 :3 :3 Meow? Mrrp, mrrrw! Mew!!! <3
From: Mr. Horns
Dear Advice Person Dude Thing:
I feel insecure about my appearance and worry that I'm worthless now. Do you have any advice?
My advice to you is that I still love you and find you beautiful. :O Don't give up on yourself!!
That's all for my advice column :O Next week: What to do when you really want to run a man through and can't, and "how to cope with the fact that you're trapped in the hell woods and could die at any moment", and also winter fashion advice and how to bake very tiny cupcakes.
[There will not be a next week to this, what compelled you to fucking do this.]
Many people have come to me over the years for advice. [No one has done this.] And through my powers of observation, I have realised that many of you need more advice on things. Luckily, I love anonymity and not outing people's problems, so I've compiled tailored advice for those who need it in a safe and completely anonymous format! :O
Birthdays!!!
This is the most important thing, so this goes first. Elsword's birthday is on the 28th and I know we all can't tell time here, but it's SOON, and you all have to be nice to him on his birthday and congratulate him on being 19 and being very very cute, or I'll put cat food in your shoes. Oh, and my birthday is on the 15th and I will be 507 years old ^^
[If there was any doubts as to who this is... there shouldn't be anymore! also @ elsword sorry he forgot he hasn't told you he's an angel yet]
Advice!!!!!
From: Mr. and Ms. Dead People
Dear Advice Notebook:
We are dead where we come from. This is not the fault of the Forest, who does not count in this instance because he cheats and sucks really bad, but is because we died back home before coming here. We would really like to go back home though, because we love our home and want to see it thrive. Assuming a way home ever opens, what is your advice on how we should go about going home?
Thank you very much and you are extremely cool and pretty.
Wow! My advice to you is don't go home and stay here where you're alive, because dying sucks and how are you supposed to appreciate your world if you're deceased?? You can't. Skill issue if you want to go back home to continue to be dead after this warning. :O
From: Mr. and Ms. Timeline Anomalies
Dear Advice Genie:
The timelines have affected us. We are not where we are supposed to be.
I don't even know what to say about this other than get better timelines :O! Have you tried not playing jump rope with the concept of space and time and infinity and like black holes and stuff?? Please do not do this again.
From: Many Many Many Mr. Bad Word For Sarkazes
Hello Advice Person:
Some of us were born this way and we are discriminated against. Some of us were humans who were turned into the bad word for Sarkaz. We are very sad because we want to be loved. What do we do?
Do not worry. It's not your fault you were born or turned into that I think?? God still loves you. Not my God because she sucks and is mean but I mean the Goddesses here. And probably not your gods either now that I think about it, if you are having this issue :O! But that's okay because you can just kill them.
From: Mr. Loverboys and Ms. Lovergirls
Dear Romantic Advice Notebook:
How do I get my love interest to notice me? I would like to "get it", as the kids say.
I have a lot of advice for you, as someone who knows a lot about love! My disclaimer is that I do not like girls romantically so this will be based on how I've observed lesbians for the past five years of my life. I know many lesbians.
1. If you like women, women I think like flowers, long walks on the beach, having nails that can cut someone to ribbon, swords of the sword variety and not of the innuendo variety but they might like those too idk, being called pretty, and not having to do everything themselves. If you are a man and you make your wife do everything for you I hope you die painfully and slowly :O Anyway, the point is that you must treat women like they are pretty and delicate flowers but also acknowledge that they will kill you and many of them are secretly armed. You should fear them. And you should give them the things they like (above) as a courtship offering, like how birds do.
2. If you like men, men like swords of the sword variety we've gone over this part, shoving each other into lockers and walls and stuff, guns, violence in general, camping, outside, and feeling like they have a sense of belonging and that they're wanted. Did you know if you compliment boys they get very flustered? This is because boys are not used to receiving compliments because they are taught to suppress their emotions. Please allow boys room to let their emotions out. When you give boys all of this, they will like you. Also, you must not fear this creature, the boy, because that gives them too much power.
3. If you like people who are a secret third or fourth thing, give them all your material possessions and follow fire code.
With all of these in mind, and keeping in mind these are generalizations, there is a fourth thing I can do for you. I can make you lingerie so you can impress your love interest or existing partner. This, however, costs shells and I will not make this for anyone under 18. You'll also have to be very cool with me taking measurements of your butt.
From: Ms. Cat
Meow meow meow, meow. Meow meow meow meow meow. Mrrawwrrr... Meoww! Mew :3
Meow! Meow meow, mrrrrr, mrrrp! Meow meow :3 :3 :3 Meow? Mrrp, mrrrw! Mew!!! <3
From: Mr. Horns
Dear Advice Person Dude Thing:
I feel insecure about my appearance and worry that I'm worthless now. Do you have any advice?
My advice to you is that I still love you and find you beautiful. :O Don't give up on yourself!!
That's all for my advice column :O Next week: What to do when you really want to run a man through and can't, and "how to cope with the fact that you're trapped in the hell woods and could die at any moment", and also winter fashion advice and how to bake very tiny cupcakes.
[There will not be a next week to this, what compelled you to fucking do this.]
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